THE ESSENTIAL
ROTTIE OWNER'S CONTRACT

I do hereby swear that I/we will abide by all the terms & conditions specified below.

Upon signing this contract I fully understand that all my Rottweilers dreams will be realized for ever more and they shall assume their rightful position as the center of the universe, leaving me as a mere human slave.

GENERAL CONDITIONS

• My Rottweilers desires are always paramount. My Rottweilers wish is my command.
• GIVE, SHUT UP and LEAVE IT are useless requests, so I will stop using them.
• I will not yell at my Rottweiler for slobbering everywhere after drinking, then chase him around the house with a "drool towel."
• I will not abandon my Rottweiler for trivial reasons like "going to work".
• I will not yell at my Rottweiler for creating "chew toys" from objects they find laying around.
• I will try much harder to understand my Rottweilers language.
• I will never go socializing with other canines without my Rottweiler.
• I will set up the "kiddie wading pool" every day it is hot.
• I will not laugh at my Rottweiler for being confused over not being able to find the lump of ice he buried earlier in the day.

EXERCISE REQUIREMENTS AND DOGGY SOCIALIZATION

• I will not chase my Rottweiler around yelling COME! when he is busy socializing.
• I will not complain my arm is tired after only throwing the ball 50 times.
• I will not confuse my Rottweiler by throwing snowballs for him to fetch.
• I will not ask my Rottweiler to play fetch with a boomerang.
• I will not drag my Rottweiler from interesting sniffing spots during our walkies.
• I will not hide or place my Rottweiler's ball in a place where I know he couldn't possibly retrieve it from and then ask him to go and get it.
• I will drop whatever I am doing and take my Rottweiler out as soon as he asks me to.
• A little rain and a cool breeze is no excuse for not walking my Rottie.

NUTRITION AND GROOMING

• I will not run out of treats.
• I will always carry around cookies & treats and will instruct all my friends to do likewise.
• I will never eat anything until my Rottweiler has tasted what I have and approved it for me.
• I will share everything I eat with my Rottweiler.
• I will not cut my Rottweilers toenails ever, ever again.
• I will stop referring to my Rottweiler's necklace as his "choke chain".
• I will not bathe my Rottie after he has just bathed himself in mud puddles, cow pats or dead animal remains.

AROUND THE HOUSE

• I will not sneak around the backyard, wearing funny clothes and a face mask, to test whether my Rottweiler is a good watchdog.
• I will not yell at my Rottweiler to "HURRY UP ALREADY" when he's just looking for the right spot to take care of business.
• Once he has found an acceptable spot, I will not stare while my Rottweiler is doing his business.
• I will not ask my Rottweiler to retire to his crate anymore.
• I will open the back door as soon as my Rottweiler sits by it.
• I will never again leave my Rottweiler at home if I intend to go driving in the car.

CATS AND KIDS

• I will not bring home anymore cats.
• I will get rid of all those cats we currently own.
• I will not feed the cat before I feed my Rottweiler.
• I will protect my Rottweiler from all obnoxious little human things at all times.
• I will not have another one of those obnoxious little human things.

THE CHRISTMAS SEASON

• I will not make my Rottie wear silly looking antlers or red Santa hats.
• I will not make my Rottweiler pose for pictures with some fat stranger in a red suit.
• I will not tie leftover ribbons, tinsel and bows all over my Rottweiler and call it "Christmas Spirit".
• I will accept that my Rottweiler shall play with the green tree covered in shiny ball-like ornaments.
• I will remember to stuff a stocking and buy several presents for my Rottie.